"...and I may always be just a little bit fat"

I think we all feel that way, or at least all of the normal ones, but I'm having a moment...a severe Bridget Jones moment.

Or feeling like I'm not playing with a full deck? as my brother would say, but not in the mentally way, but in the always a step behind, always trying to avoid uncertain embarrassment, always hoping that no one will find out that I am in fact the Sarah Palin of the group.

I went out to lunch once with two coworkers. One of which was my boss. We slid into the booth, myself on one side, and my boss and co worker on the other side. So there were these lights in the table, literally IN THE TABLE. I know! Crazy right?! So without hesitation I throw my head under the table to investigate the light situation when I realize, with my head under the table, that my head is a foot away from my bosses crotch.

Another example; tripping has always been a problem for me. It seems that in the most insecure moment I can always count on my feet to make it a little worse. Its gotten to the point where I write notes to myself.

Yellow post it="Em, don't fucking trip. If you can do ONE THING tonight, just walk in a straight, uninterrupted line." Of course tonight was no exception.

Ever feel like middle school never ended? It's because it hasn't. I was told recently that people can't be up unless someone else is down. At first I tried to argue, but can you? If you've ever put someone else down to make yourself feel better, or laughed when you should have been empathetic you'll understand that you're trapped in a middle school world. As long as bad things aren't happening to you, it's fine...right?

We need to find ways to either break the cycle, or just put up with the people we've become. I may always be just a little bit clumsy, a little chubbier than I was in college, a little less worldly, a little detached from Oxfords dictionary, not quick with math, and a whole lot less than a doctoral student.

But I can say that I'll always be me. The me that says the wrong thing at the right time (or is it the right thing at the wrong time?), that falls on her face in front of the cool girls, that forgets to take the underwear out of her pants before she washes them.

Me.

And even if it makes me so frustrated that I want to cry, makes me want to run away in shame, or stick my head in the sand, I have to accept that these things won't make or break me. Even if it breaks my ego, my shoes, my toe, or my nose at the time.

I may always just be a little bit of something, but need to work towards becoming a whole lot of something that makes me feel like I'm okay. Something that's a whole lot of me. Even if that whole-lot-of-something is a well placed embarrassing moment.

I think that I enjoy that movie so much because the character has her own realization that she isn't the person that she thinks everyone wants her to be, she's just her, and even better, that the person she thought she had to change for, doesn't really care about all of the little things.

Maybe we can all learn a thing or two from pop culture. In the meantime, I'm burning the flops that tripped me tonight. I don't need footwear that isn't on my side ;)

Be Still 6.17.08

I saw the first firefly of the season tonight. Sitting in the front room looking out to the backyard...I saw that distinct flash. Then another. TWO fireflies. It's like gold. Summer gold.

Fireflies have always made me nervous over the years (I imagine after all of those 'indicator species' lectures?). Mostly because I've lived long enough to watch their numbers dwindle, populations decrease to the point where I believe in my lifetime I will witness their extinction.

In fact, in the time that it took me to grab my journal and pen, Oscar killed one of my summer wonders. Now the poor thing is reduced to a pale flickering of the light it used to be.

I worry that Beau won't know what they are by the time she's my age. That she will never cruelly collect fireflies in mason jars to light her path to the ice cream store.

I fear for the June that fireflies don't return. Just another light extinguished by an overbearing world, ruled by stronger Oscar-the-Grouch like powers.

In the same moment that I see the familiar flash, I'm reminded of my own light. Of similar feelings when I witness a truly unique flash of strength, self love and personal knowing.

The same flash of light lives in me and is above and beyond extinction. As long as my flash, so to speak, lives, the firefly will always be with us. As is the summer breeze, my love for my family and my hope for a better future. Always burning, even if its only outwardly visible seasonally.

"I love you Beau" "I know"

Ever hear something and say "I should really write that down." I've had those moments in my life more often than not, and I'm sad to say that I've failed to follow through on many occasions.

After reading active blogs about friends near and far, I've decided that I need to start following through, if for nothing else, out of a fear that if I don't write it down I may forget. Although I pride myself on some attributes, I am horrified to say that my short term memory is non existent which makes me fear for my long term.

Hanging out with Beau this weekend gave me a new sense of urgency. Well that and my fleeting internet connection. Two thoughts come to mind- God after a year and a half babies get big...really big, and secondly, people who are new to the neighborhood quickly...very quickly, put a security code on their internet connection when they realize that the poor neighbor is mooching.

Alas...

"I love you Beau"
"I know"
"I know you know Bodi, but really, I love you"
"I know, I love"

From now on I hope to record similar conversations, as well as feature some of my favorite journal entries that never made the paper, and some that have, but have been hidden under my bed, and under my ego.

I'm ecstatic that my beautiful brother brought something equally wonderful into the world. I've never been so proud of him. His daughter loves. And knows it.