2008

“Think back one year.

What were the top 3 things you experienced? How did you grow? What did you learn? Who supported you? What did you transcend? What light came into your life?

Jon Kabat-Zinn wrote The Catastrophe of Full-on Living. His book basically says that if you are fully alive it’s going to be a gritty, shitty mess at times and you’re here to learn to embrace, forgive, transcend and transform everything that comes your way. Cry. Laugh. Stomp your feet. Ask for help.”

Jennifer Schelter

“Gimme Shelter”

I hope this woman doesn’t mind how frequently I quote her blog, but I thought it was an appropriate subject to throw around given the time of year. I have a feeling that Christmas is going to get so busy, between the gift buying, the decorating, the family, the 7-fish-eating, and the friends in town that I’ll forget to pause before the New Year.

If anything, each new year deserves a pause. Pause to remember, pause to look forward. Pause to mourn, to celebrate, to hope. Who have we lost, who have we gained? What have we accomplished, what was ignored?

Each year everything happens to quickly that I forget all the small, wonderful moments of 2008, but manage to find time to dwell on the minute negativity so much that it blows up into this overbearing white elephant. So to give 2008 proper credit, where credit is due, lets look back on some of the best of 08, and look forward to an interesting 09.

In 2008….

ex•pe•ri•ence [ik-speer-ee-uhns] –noun 1. a particular instance of personally encountering or undergoing something. 3. the observing, encountering, or undergoing of things generally as they occur in the course of time.4. knowledge or practical wisdom gained from what one has observed.

1. Isabeau told me she loved me, and now knows my name. Amazing.

2. Fisher and Puck still remember me after 6 months and 2000 miles of separation.

3. Love lost, love found, love tested.

learn [lurn] –verb 1.to acquire knowledge of or skill in by study, instruction, or experience.4. to gain (a habit, mannerism, etc.) by experience, exposure to example, or the like; acquire.

1. Life doesn’t have a rulebook.

2. I have the best friends in the whole wide world.

3. Without a doubt, my mom will always be my #1 fan.

4. Don’t ever sell your soul, you might not get it back.

sup•port [suh-pawrt, -pohrt] –verb (used with object) 1. to bear or hold up (a load, mass, structure, part, etc.); serve as a foundation for. 3. to undergo or endure, esp. with patience or submission; tolerate. 4. to sustain (a person, the mind, spirits, courage, etc.) under trial or affliction.

1. 3 cold wet noses attached to 3 fluffy darlings.

2. The only man crazy enough to put up with my highs & lows

3. My #1 fan. Followed by #2, & #3

tran•scend [tran-send] –verb (used with object) 1. to rise above or go beyond; overpass; exceed. 2. to outdo or exceed in excellence, elevation, extent, degree, etc. ; surpass, excel.

1. Fear.

2. Mountains.

3. My resume.

light¹ [lahyt] –noun 1. something that makes things visible or affords illumination. 7. daybreak or dawn. 13. the state of being visible, exposed to view, or revealed to public notice or knowledge; limelight. 18. spiritual illumination or awareness.

1. My best friend in the whole wide world made it through all the muck, found some light, and then shared it with me. Thanks love.

2. My silly ego.

3.. Oscar Pants (aka Oscar de la Grouch, aka Oscar d’Grouch, aka Oscar Wildly Racing Around)

4. Southern exposure.

I’m sure I missed some things, but I’d rather have something on paper than nothing. At the very least 2008 should have a page in my life, I’ll let you know when I’ve nailed down some tentative plans for 2009. I might need to stomp my feet, or ask for help.

10 updates from the desk of eosmith

just a few because I feel like my blog has been seriously slacking:

1) I'm going to salt lake for christmas and have yet to buy anyone a Christmas present (horrible guest).

2) I snapped last night because the sweetie suggested we split a sandwich, obviously there are larger problems at hand with my diet.

3) They are filming a freaking BOLLYWOOD movie at Johnny Brendas. Go eat some oyster crackers, grab a newly released Philly Brewing Co. Philly Navadad (delicious, dark brew with a delightful, but not overpowering nutty chocolate flava') and soak up the tinsel and glam.

4) For the first year in the history of yours truly, my mother picked out a Christmas tree SOLO. Yes, this is from the woman who has been known to visit 8 different locations, in 8 different counties...yes, please pause and consider the gravity of 8 different counties not neighborhoods....to find the perfect 9'10" tree. Dear baby jesus, I love you.

5) Another first, I've bought my first personal, not family related, christmas tree. Weighing in at 10 pounds and 3.5 feet. The munchkin christmas tree has 100 lights, and 4 ornaments. Splendid.

6) I'm ready to admit to the world that I LOVE BRITTNEY SPEARS as evidenced by 1) me watching her MTV special and 2) constantly singing womanizer, womanizer, womanizer. Don't judge me, join me. you womanizer...

7) After replacing my battery 3 times and losing my antenna after nervous fidgeting, I've accepted that I need a new phone. I've also come to the conclusion that in order to get said new phone with my whopping available funds, I'm resigning a 2 year agreement with the devil....Verizon Wireless. Weep for my soul.

8) New Years plans are still up in the air. Devils Alley is having a shin dig, chock full o'open bar, DJ, champagne toast, and balloon drop. But get this, they're trying to CHARGE ME FOR A TICKET. Apparently blood, sweat and tears are no longer currency. Bastard economy.

9) Jimmy and I are celebrating our 10th anniversary as being badass, fabulous friends in the upcoming year. Amazing, blow out party details to come.

10) My recent transition from AmeriCorp VISTA to common citizen has drastically changed a few monetary area's of life that I fully support and concurrently loath. a) Pay increase was wonderful but b) my loan forbearance ended. c) acquiring Aenta health insurance is wonderful but d) now I pay for my prescriptions. Oh VISTA, how you managed to spoil me and give me a bi-monthly slap on the face at the same time. I'll miss you girl.


10 updates. My blog is slightly less lame.

almost forgot to tell you...

I normally don't post twice in one day, but I wanted to make sure I wrote this one down:

Mom: Guess what?
Em: What?
Mom: So you know how I thought I was turning 49?
Em: Yea...
Mom: I was WRONG, I'm only 48!!
Em: no comment...

Happy birthday mama, I'm glad you've been around for 49, ehem, I mean, 48 years :)

2 Days in Paris

"It always fascinated me how people go from loving you madly to nothing at all, nothing. It hurts so much.

When I feel someone is going to leave me, I have a tendency to break up first before I get to hear the whole thing. Here it is. One more, one less. Another wasted love story. I really love this one. When I think that its over, that I'll never see him again like this...

well yes, I'll bump into him, we'll meet our new boyfriend and girlfriend, act as if we had never been together, then we'll slowly think of each other less and less until we forget each other completely.

Almost.

Always the same for me. Break up, break down. Drunk up, fool around. Meet one guy, then another, fuck around. Forget the one and only. Then after a few months of total emptiness start again to look for true love, desperately look everywhere and after two years of loneliness meet a new love and swear it is the one, until that one is gone as well.

There's a moment in life where you can't recover any more from another break-up. And even if this person bugs you sixty percent of the time, well you still can’t live without him. And even if he wakes you up every day by sneezing right in your face, well you love his sneezes more than anyone else's kisses ".

___

The sweetie and I watched 2 Days in Paris last night. It's been described as a Woodie-Allen-esque movie with similar banter and structure. I for one love this movie. Its real, it passionate, it's funny. When I initially saw the movie last year in theaters it made my insides hurt a little.

"love his sneezes more than anyone else's kisses"

That's the line that really got me. We can all relate. Sometimes my mom drives me bat shit, my friends test my patience, the sweetie pushes my buttons, and the cat scratches my kitchen table. But..

I'm happy to have the most disobedient cat alive, because it means I get Oscar.
And I'm happy that my patience is tested, because it means I still have my mother with me.
And I'm happy that when we watch movies the sweetie falls asleep during the best part, because it means he's still beside me.

I'm accepting that I can't weed out the dysfunction and only keep the bliss. Gotta have both.

...well maybe only a little dysfunction anyhow ;)

(I love you)

Becoming Real

“What is real?” asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. “Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?”

“Real isn’t how you are made,” said the Skin Horse. “It’s a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but really loves you, then you become Real.”

“Does it hurt?” asked the Rabbit.

“Sometimes,” said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. “When you are Real you don’t mind being hurt.”

“Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,” he asked, “or bit by bit?”

“It doesn’t happen all at once,” said the Skin Horse. “You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.”

“I suppose you are real?” said the Rabbit. And then he wished he had not said it, for he thought the Skin Horse might be sensitive. But the Skin Horse only smiled.

“The Boy’s Uncle made me Real,” he said. “That was a great many years ago; but once you are Real you can't become unreal again. It lasts for always.”

_____

Recently I've been obsessing over what makes us all real. What makes our feelings real, what makes our careers real, what makes our love real. Legitimizing my own concerns, what makes me think, what makes me happy, and why?

Are we real because we're told that we are? Is it real because we watch our hair fall and buttons go missing? Do the battle scars make it real? Does the salary make it real? Is it a heartbeat? Are you real because you have a leg or because you can feel it when you're kicked?

I would have to agree with the talking horse when he says that real happens to you, slowly, over time. That birth, while it makes you human, doesn't make you real. It only makes you exist. It has to be something more, something deeper. It couldn't possibly just be the "buzz" in your chest; we weep from pain and happiness, we laugh when we're entertained and uncomfortable, we long for the past and the future.

So I would ask, what makes YOU real?

I'm surrounded by family and friends that I admire, sights, sounds, smells, that make my world real. My brothers make me real, my puppies make me real, falling leaves make me real, cold gin on a hot day makes me real, my friends make me real.

And does it hurt?
You tell me.

If you've ever wept in a bathroom corner, scored a winning goal, sat next to your best friend in a hospital bed, traveled across the globe, held your mothers hand, or kissed someone goodnight, you must be real.

And once you've felt real, you can't ever go back, the horse (again) is right. You can't settle for anything less. Although I'm not as bold to say that I don't mind being hurt for the sake of reality, I can say without hesitation that I much prefer the ability to be real, to feel, and to love, than to forgo emotion and leave this world without a single bruise.

Thank you to all of my friends that came back to Philly to visit. You are part of what makes me whole. Come back soon.