is this it?

You should all know that I have a pair of ballerina toe-shoes in my closet. My friend Lisa was the mistress (head bitch) of the University of Utah Ballet Company, and gave me her old shoes when she was done dancing the crap out of them one day. Granted, my last run in with ballet was in 1988, and I'm pretty sure I was "let go" from the program for a laundry list of complaints (short attention span, disruptive in class, lack of coordination), but I still think that one day, if shit really hits the fan, I can always fall back on being a mediocre ballerina.

Anyway, when I have exceptionally bad days, or when I can't think straight, I put on my shoes, but on my favorite song of the day and I dance around my house. I dance, and I dream. I dream that I'm a principal ballerina, that knows exactly what she's doing. Which steps to make, and in which direction.

I mention this because I was watching TV this week and a commercial came on showing mothers pushing around strollers filled with ballerina's, astronauts, police men, doctors, etc. I'm pretty sure it's for Goddard school, or something to do with nutrition?

By the end of the commercial they get to the point that all of the people being pushed around are actually toddlers dreaming about becoming ballerina's, astronaut's, becoming big important adults that make their own big boy and big girl decisions.

We are all told in school that as long as we work hard enough, and study religiously, we can fulfill our dreams. In a cynical way, after the 45 second time slot, I thought about the 3% acceptance rate at Julliard, and the next to nothing chance of being admitted into NASA. Not to mention the socioeconomic factors that play into what schools and opportunities are available to various children. End of the day, it's hard to look a toddler in the eye, and give them the God's honest truth; that even if they work their absolute hardest, it might not be enough.

It also raised an important question; is this it? Are we all becoming the adults we dreamed of as children? When did we stop dreaming of being an Olympic gymnast? Or owning a stable filled with ponies? Or being a world renowned interior designer?

God, I can look back and remember my idea of adulthood. Thinking that it was going to be cookies for breakfast everyday, no bed time, and an endless sleepover. Even when I moved into my first apartment I was amazed by the freedom. No notes letting people know where I was going, having kegs in the house without asking permission, smoking on my front step because I could. I didn't think of the adult decisions, the bills, the lack of free time, and the struggle.

So how do we hold on to our childhood dreams in an adult world? How do we take it all back and become the ballerina we always wanted to be? Is it too late? Is it ever too late? Or have dreams become so fleeting that they don't last from childhood to adulthood?

I don't really know how to end this post, because I don't know how to answer those questions. I was told recently that if you want to do something, you need to get a calendar, circle a date, and do it. Maybe that can serve as advice for us all.

In the meantime, I think it's time to start dreaming big again. I have my shoes on...you should get a pair too.